Listening to others’ stories is the single most powerful communication tool you’ve got. Taking the time to genuinely listen to and understand another’s story builds trust and makes others more receptive to your opinions (growing your influence in the process). As I wrote in Find Your Courage, just as your stories highjack productive conversation, so too can your lack of understanding of others’ stories. As in the story books, they tend to be fictional. The issue isn’t that we have stories, but in believing that our stories are “the truth.” Your stories can roadblock fruitful communication before you even begin, so before you engage in a tough conversation, think about the stories you are carrying into it, particularly any that caste yourself as a victim or others a villain. As human beings we live in stories – about ourselves, about other people, and about the situations in which we find ourselves. If you start getting upset, call time out. Remember, you have to manage your own emotions first before you can respond well to another’s. It may be worth rehearsing the conversation ahead of time, writing down the key points you want to convey (in case emotions start to hijack your brain) and how you will respond constructively to whatever accusations, grievances or upsets may be bought up. If the issue you are addressing is likely to push emotional buttons, be extra careful to ensure you step into it calmly, with a clear idea of what you want to say. The more sensitive an issue, the more rapidly emotions can escalate to fever pitch when put on the table. While your silence may not put lives at risk, it does undermine your ability to succeed. In the aftermath of the Challenger disaster in 1986, NASA found that the engineers working on the spacecraft had concerns about the O rings when exposed to extreme heat but their fear of passing on information kept them from passing it up to their supervisors. Share what it is you want to say, and be sure to phrase it in a way that others know you respect their humanity, if not their opinion or actions. Don’t sugar coat the truth in fluffy compliments and disingenuous flattery. People can intuitively tell when you are being sincere. Say what you sincerely believe needs to be said, even if you know others may not enjoy hearing it.
William Schutz, behavior specialist and founder of Human Element Solutions, once said “If people in business told the truth, 80 to 90% of their problems would disappear.” Be candid in your feedback and honest in your opinion. It may sound corny, but the truth is that a message that comes from the heart, lands on the heart. Speaking your mind is not fruitful unless it’s done thoughtfully and with a clearly defined rationale for why this is ultimately of service to all parties. What’s the highest purpose you are trying to serve? If you aren’t clear, discuss it with someone else or write it down, keeping in mind that if it’s about you ‘winning’ then that implies someone else must lose.
Before you enter into a courageous conversation, be very clear about why you are having it. There’s a difference between speaking up and talking down to someone, making them feel smaller, stupid or small. There’s nothing wrong with a healthy ego, but your ego can get in the way of expressing yourself in ways that serve a positive outcome – for you and for others. Ten Keys to Courageously Speaking Up About the Issues That Are Weighing You Down. They are what I call “courageous conversations,” and they create a pathway to building the relationships, influence and outcomes you want in every area of your life. The conversations that take the most courage – those in which you speak candidly and listen openly – are those which make the biggest impact. As Susan Scott, Author of Fierce Conversations once said, “While no one conversation is guaranteed to change the trajectory of your career or life, any single conversation can.” Like it or not, you build influence and “make your luck” one conversation at a time.
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